Are you aged between 13-19?
Interested in Drama? Being Creative? Having fun?
Become a star is a new upcoming project, funded by Arts Council England, to give you that fresh start to life, set up in order to help young people who are going through the rehabilitation process as a result of social exclusion, such exclusion may included ex convicted criminals, young people suffering trauma such as rape, bullying or domestic violence. Through drama BAS aims to install values missing within the individuals, creating social stability for young people to move on in a positive way giving them the confidents and gateway into many future opportunities.
We are a company that firmly believe that at such a young age life is just beginning for young people regardless of their background or life history, as a team we look to help young people get and create a positive start again in life, in exciting thrilling new ways using drama.
This gives young people the opportunity to experience working as a team to put on a quality performance, in one of the best local theatres seating 140 people, experiencing the great feeling of being on a stage with a live paying audience watching. BAS will stimulate young people’s minds to help the build up there confidence and character, for getting a healthy start to life. BAS are looking for hard working dedicated people- IS THAT YOU???, we strive for new confident young people with lots of energy, ambition, and most of all the passion to want to make a difference and for many this could be a start to a wonderful, successful career.
So if you think your up for having a laugh and being involved in all the creativity BAS has to offer come and join us get yourself down to the Arts Depot and guess what? YES! It’s absolutely FREE!
Monday’s & Thursday’s 5.00pm- 7.00pm
Refreshments and snacks will be provided!
COME DRESSED COMFORTABLY!!!
5 Nether Street
Arts Depot
North Finchley
Tally Ho Corner
N12 OGA
Sharina,
ReplyDeleteI think this is such an improvement from your first draft. The structure is clearer, making it easier to read and having the questions at the very beginning entices the reader instantly. It now strikes me as a stronger marketing piece.
To make this piece even easier to read and give it a nice continuous flow, try to shorten some of your sentences, especially in the first paragraph. This can be done by taking out some of the commas and adding a full stop. For example;
"Bas is a new up and coming project and is funded by the Arts Council England. It was set up in order to help and give young people that fresh start to life they deserve."
I wouldn't suggest this in an academic or descriptive piece of writing but have you thought about separating the sentence "interested in drama, being creative, having fun??"
Maybe you could let each question have its own line, for example.
"Do you have an interest in drama?"
"Do you love being creative?"
"Does having fun excite you??"
Another thought, is that it might be eye catching to bolden the font where ever become a star is written? What do you think?
Michelle
Hi Sharina,
ReplyDeleteThe opening to this writing is very strong, using a common trait in marketing; the use of questions to target directly the audience you want. I am in agreement with Michelle about using a bolder font, and perhaps using a new line for each question looking more into the aesthetics of the piece. Your audience is quite young so you'll want eye catching bright colours and images suitable for that age.
The information is very appropriate and gets straight to the point which is what you need giving the reader the who, what, why, when almost instantly. Like a newspaper article.
It is assuring that you have included the company's morals and philosophy with the statement "We are a company that firmly believe that at such a young age life is just beginning for young people regardless ...."
This statement shows care and humanity have you thought about referring back to this i a closing statement?
Also again with font and boldness, with the last few details, you could also make these stand out even more as an idea.
What do you think?
Lucy
This reminded me of an audition which i took (singing)
ReplyDeletei love the opening sentence it did grab my attention and took me to a different level of feeling the urge of auditioning.
in some part of the sentence i do feel or get lost (We are a company that firmly believe that at such a young age life is just beginning for young people regardless of their background or life history, as a team we look to help young people get and create a positive start again in life, in exciting thrilling new ways using drama.)
There were nice should i say rhetorical questions which were used there as well, which i think helps the readers mind get involved in it, well it certainly did to me and was effective.
i just thought that some words could stand out and be in your face, well due to my graphic design background it will certainly work for example (BAS are looking for hard working dedicated people- IS THAT YOU???) the you could be done as a single U, the reason being is because you stated that if they are creative, so the people who are advertising star could be creative in some of there sentences as well
but generally it was well written and like i said it pulled in more than twice.